Sweaty Sunday: Let's try that again!

Ok, well! I don't think I'm going to achieve my Fitness Challenge:
Run 50 Miles in August! (see right). I can't run 10 miles in two days. And I won't cos I've learned the hard way what happens if I push too much, too quickly.

Just a turtle I see occasionally. Someday I might run faster than him. :-)

I may reach 46 miles but the goal of 50... nope!

Here are my excuses/reasons:

1) Heatwave! A week of temperatures over 30 degrees. No way should people, especially more heavily insulated ;-) people, run in that heat.

2) The day after the heatwave, I was literally on my way out the door to go 'run' when I dipped into my top drawer for a pair of socks... and shut the drawer...a bit too hard... which caused the 'heatwave fan' I had propped on the top of the dresser to topple... and fall right, smack on the top of my bare foot.

Much swearing, bleeding and swelling... it was really quite gross!

And another few days of not being able to run cos I couldn't even walk because of the swelling.

But, once it was better I eased back into it.

I didn't get to the 50 mile mark but I think that I did pretty good at trying despite a heatwave and a hurtie. I'm gonna give it another go in September!

Sweaty Sunday: Some Inspiration

I used to be fit; good cardio going on and I was very, very strong. Though I'm getting my cardio back and gradually shedding lard, I miss my strength.

I loved feeling strong and I loved lifting weights. Not dainty pink dumbbells but rusty plates of iron on a barbell (grrrowl!). I sweated and groaned and at my then best could deadlift just over 200lbs/15 stone. I felt like She-Ra Princess of Power!



I loved the mental and physical challenge of the actual lifting, the release of stress and tension, the completely shattered feeling that followed, the solid sleep and the slight yummy ache the day after.

For many months, I've wanted to return to this exercise that I truly love but lots of excuses have gotten in the way. The result is feeling more like this version of She-Ra:

Image swiped from here.

A few days ago my friend Jayne emailed me wonder video (thanks, Jayne!):



A much needed perspective adjuster for sure and just a beautiful wee film in its own right.

I have just finished my first 'back at it' weightlifting workout. So that along with my 'running' I hope to regain my fit self. :-)

What motivates you? What gives you a different perspective?

Sweaty Sunday: Mumbai Motivation

Last Sunday to Tuesday, I felt pretty gross. Wednesday's 'run' was not great but ok considering I had been ill. Thursday, I walked a million miles. Friday, I did some leg strength work (squats, lunges).

All good but Saturday's 'run' was my best since taking up this masochistic activity. I still alternated walking/running but I was impressed with my myself all the same! Eventually I'll string all these mini running segments into a steady, continuous actual run... and when I do? Neil Tasker has promised me that he'll send me a bag of Bombay Mix* when I can run a full mile without stopping!


How's that for motivation? mmmmmm.....

Anyways...

Here's where I'm at! The meat of Saturday's 'run' (excludes the warm up and cool down):
5 mins - walk
1 - run
3 - w
2 - r
3 - w
2 - r
2 - w
3 - r
2 - w
3 - r
2 - w
1 - r
2 - w
2 - r
1 - w
1 - r
2 - w
3 - r

40 minutes of sweat; 19 of it running.
No knee pain. (thumbs up!)
No pain or DOMS today (tomorrow's still a possibility though!).
It felt good and, most importantly, I enjoyed it!

One whole mile at once? Bring it on!!! (eventually...!)

*Punjabi Mix in Canadaland... imported from India by Indo-Canadians for Indo-Canadians, ie, it's very, very, very hot!

Nipple Hairs

Hello 2010! ;-)

For the last year, and some, I've been single and not sexually involved with another human being. Sniffle! But, one perk of this has been not really being too concerned with whether or not I look and feel like a she-sasquatch.

Though I'm not a very hairy person, I could probably knit a small doily from the hair currently flourishing on my shins. And, get this! My name is Marnie and I have three nipple hairs! Two on one, one on the other.

I normally pluck these buggers but I just haven't given them much thought over the months until recently. One has grown to an impressive inch and a half! Cool, eh?

Being the curious sort, I wondered if there was a World Record for the longest nipple hair... well of course there is! A man named Doug Williams has a five incher! So, a ways to go for me then.

I'm going to let them grow though, just to see how freakishly long they'll get... at least until I get laid. Though, at this rate, I may end up looking like this:

Photo from here.

Non xmassy xmas?

I hate xmas and I have pretty much decided that I'm opting out of xmas this year. I just do not have the desire or the energy to feign happily going along with it anymore. I hate it, I have for a long, long time and it's time for me to live my life with integrity.

Question is... what shall I do over the holiday season? I'm very aware of the negative effects the most joyous time of the year (gag) has on certain people and this year, I'm one of those people.

So I'm wondering if maybe I should 'do something' but at the same time, my energy is low. Some days just getting up, dressed and fed is an accomplishment in itself nevermind pestering off somewhere.

Maybe I'll just crank up the heat, put on some good reggae and pretend I'm in Jamaica.

What would be your ideal non-xmassy xmas?

Biting bullets.

The CBT dude (cognitive-behavourial therapy) called a while ago. He has a cancellation and would I like to start CBT this afternoon? I had told him I'm flexible with my time and was eager to start and if he had an earlier than August 4th opening, give me a call.

He called my bluff! ;-)

Gulp! =:-o

I'm both excited and freaked out and it's 30 degrees out there. I'm sweating bullets faster than a machine gun right now. Ahhh!

I suspect my blog might focused on CBT for a while...

Beyond Muffin Top and Brownies

Another post about baking ;-) and this is going to be a very honest one. I risk being misunderstood and seen as a freak. Actually being seen as freaky doesn't bother me ;-) but being misunderstood does.

But, you know what? Fuck it!

Confessing my muffin top, my hearing loss and my experimentation with the Brownies ;-) on this blog have been positive experiences for me and with that I say....

Hello, my name is Marnie and I have OCD; obsessive-compulsive disorder.

There, I've said it.

Actually that wasn't too difficult as a few of my friends already know this about me, though some do not. I've also met many people with OCD, attended an OCD conference and have volunteered for OCD organizations. I don't have shame in having this thorn in my side.

I have often chosen not to tell people though. This is because after I told a certain friend, she interpreted any quirk I had as a result of OCD instead of just a normal quirk like anyone else would have. I found this highly irritating so I started to not tell people.

But, I've realised that I do feel better about myself when I'm open about it. It makes it lighter to carry. Part of my inspiration to do this post comes from prkl!!!!, who, on previous manifestations of his blog, has been very open about his struggles with bipolary stuff. As well as the more private struggles about the 'weird shit' other friends struggle with.


OCD info, briefly:
OCD is quite common. You probably all know someone who has it (though they may hide it). You may even have it yourself. ;-)

I hesitate putting info about OCD on here because most info about OCD describes all the various manifestations of it. Most people with OCD are bothered by much narrower slices of the OCD pie and, with proper treatment, there is great relief for many people. OCD can fluctuate; when life is good, OCD tends to calm down, when life is shitty, OCD can become a dragon. There's not really 'a cure' but treatment allows a person to manage OCD so that it doesn't manage them.

Treatment of choice is CBT; cognitive-behavioural therapy and, in terms of OCD, it means facing what is feared and learning new ways to manage the anxiety that occurs. It also involves looking objectively at your own thought processes and tweaking ideas and beliefs and learning how to manage stress. It's very similar to the treatment of phobias.

Some? many? people take medications (SSRIs and what not) either on their own or in addition to CBT.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, a sort of mindfulness meditation, which I've blogged about before, is also helpful.


My experience, briefly:
Essentially, I have anxious thoughts about contracting specific germs/illnesses and sometimes I have to check the stove a lot to make sure it's off before I leave my flat (although sometimes I don't at all? weirdly). I can feel the urge to wash my hands a lot. When life is good and my OCD is under control this urge is minimal, if it is even there; when my life is stressy and OCD is not under control, I can wash my hands excessively and feel a lot of anxiety.

I first developed OCD when I was 25ish. I hid it and had no idea what the fuck was happening to me. I thought I was going insane. Then at 27, I had a major time with it. By this time I had learned about OCD but still I did not seek help. At my worst, I did not leave my house for many, many months, depression had set in and I very nearly committed suicide.

Ironically, my fear of germs made me too afraid to take a handful of sleeping pills. I thought: 'what if when I pass-out and die, I fall on the floor and catch germ X off the floor?' The complete bizarre-ness of that thought made me laugh and stirred something good in me. From that point I realised, 'hmmm, maybe I do need some help' (well, duh) and got it.

My doctor prescribed an SSRI and I saw a psychologist who ran me through CBT. CBT was very, very difficult. Imagine making a sandwich on the kitchen floor or a toilet seat and then eating it. Imagine being a germaphobe and doing that. (Oh, the CBT stories I have!) But, it worked and things turned around enormously, even my culinary skills. ;-) I went from being house-bound to venturing off to live in England for a time and stopped taking the SSRI in 2001. To say I was and am proud of myself is an understatement.


Currently:
Things are not so rosy. I've had a lot of major life stressors packed into a very short span of time; major geographical moves, away from friends, death of my Dad, dumped (twice), family stress, a stupid huge mistake, financial woes, etc. I'm not surprised that my OCD has risen its fucking ugly shitty head. I haven't felt this OCDish in a long, long while. I think I'm having a re-lapse and I hate it.

On the plus side, I understand why this is happening and I am addressing all the crap I've gone through. And I've made an appointment with psychologist who treats OCD (hurry up August 4th). And I do have a solid understanding of OCD and CBT already; I just need it refreshed, a booster shot, a professional kick in the arse. In the meantime, I'm sending this off into blogosphere to lighten the load just a little bit.

I think that's all my warts, confessed... except for the bank robbery. I'll blog about that when I get out of the slammer. ;-)

No hope for anyone in 2009!

{thumbs in ears, fingers waving, sticks out tongue}

I have flying books; books of short stories, snippets and such like; manageable passages as my attention span evapourates at a high altitude (is it just me?). I was reading one the other night, a book called, 'Peace is Every Step' by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's full of interesting ideas that I like to let loose to wander around in my head. Read a bit, stare off into space, feel all yummy. Repeat as necessary. Seeing as it's been that xmassy time of year and the hassles that implies (well, for me), it been a good and needed choice.

But! I read something in it the other night that's rattled me, a good rattle! And has shifted my perspective on life ever so slightly, or maybe more, and I like that very much.

Here's a condensed version of it:

Hope as an Obstacle

Hope is important, because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. But that is the most that hope can do for us - to make some hardship lighter. When I think deeply about the nature of hope, I see something tragic. Since we cling to our hope in the future, we do not focus our energies and capabilities on the present moment. We use hope to believe something better will happen in the future, that we will arrive at peace, or the Kingdom of God. Hope becomes a kind of obstacle. If you can refrain from hoping, you can bring yourself entirely into the present moment and discover the joy that is already here.

Enlightenment, peace, and joy will not be granted by someone else. The well is within us, and if we dig deeply in the present moment, the water will spring forth. We must go back to the present moment in order to be really alive. When we practice conscious breathing, we practice going back to the present moment where everything is happening.

Western civilization places so much emphasis on the idea of hope that we sacrifice the present moment. Hope is for the future. It cannot help us discover joy, peace, or enlightenment in the present moment. Many religions are based on the notion of hope, and this teaching about refraining from hope may create a strong reaction. But the shock can bring about something important. I do not mean that you should not have hope, but that hope is not enough. Hope can create an obstacle for you, and if you dwell in the energy of hope, you will not bring yourself back entirely into the present moment. If you re-channel those energies into being aware of what is going on in the present moment, you will be able to make a breakthrough and discover joy and peace right in the present moment, inside of yourself and all around you.

Though I'm not one who really dwells on hope, as in I don't pray and wish that things would get better; I try to 'do stuff' to make things better. Yet, I appreciate the idea of hope as an obstacle very much. It's a change in perspective that is subtle and huge and I love having my perspective twisted like that (as stubborn as I can be sometimes).

So, I don't hope 2009 will bring the best for myself and any of you; just have a great time right at this very moment! Now, that said, I still hope that one day xmas will just go away! haha... ;-)

101 in 1001

While surfing some blogs, I came across this idea of '101 in 1001' which is described as completing 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

I like it. I'm doing it. It starts now. I will make a list.

... I'll need to think and figure a bit first though...