Sunday, March 15, 2009

I think it's sunken in...

Slowly and finally after many years. It's been a rough week.

I really am hard of hearing. And it really has affected my life. And it still does. And I really do fucking hate it! And it really is damned difficult. And I really do have to do life differently. And I really have experienced a great personal loss. And I can't be the self I want to be. And I have to figure out who this hard of hearing self is. And I hate feeling defective. And I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not being sure what the noise I am hearing is. And I hate feeling scared, unsure, excluded, misunderstood and less-than. And I hate that some days I just need to stay in because the sounds of confusion out there in the world are just too much. And I really do fucking hate it! And I really do fucking hate it! And I really do fucking hate it! And I hate that it's taken me so fucking long for it to sink in! I'm so stubborn... but I also love that about me. ;-)

Thank you Judy, Mog and Rob. You've helped me very much but I'm too messed up right now to put it into words. But I suspect you understand what I mean.

I would like to introduce to you, Laverne and Shirley:

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12 comments:

  1. meMarch 16, 2009 at 8:04 AM

    Hi Marnie, have a cyber hug from me. Remember, we aren't less than, we are different that's all. Hearing loss sucks, but it does make us what we are. In our case stubborn old bats. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

    You have intelligence, insight, humour and beauty. Remember this and smile.

    Then go out and kick the living daylights out of the world.

    Take care my friend, you are in a trough but you will get out of it.

    xxxHugsxxxx

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  2. ms toast burnerMarch 16, 2009 at 8:28 AM

    Well my mascara has lasted for just 45 minutes today...

    Thank you, very, very much Mog.
    Big hug back! xx

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  3. Judy RobertsMarch 16, 2009 at 9:22 AM

    Marnie, you have suffered huge losses from being HOH. I understand that at an intellectual level and, because of my one-day experiment, at a bit more than just an intellectual level. But I'm sure I don't realize how MUCH it sucks, and how pervasive and unrelenting the consequences are for you.

    I don't want to come across as discounting and diminishing what you've said about living with hearing loss. But I also want to go on record as saying that the uncompromising way in which you lived your life was one of the most significant influences on me when I decided to take the plunge -- to separate and to move from Calgary to Nanaimo. In stating that, I guess I am trying to challenge the "less-than" part of your post.

    Here's a cyber hug for now, but I hope you see you soon in real life, exchange real hugs, and meet Laverne and Shirley. :-)

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  4. ms toast burnerMarch 16, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    Thank you Judy, xx and a big hug!

    I'm speechless and Tammy Faye Bakker, eat your heart out...

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  5. meMarch 16, 2009 at 5:31 PM

    I don't have one of those boxes? should I?

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  6. ms toast burnerMarch 16, 2009 at 6:56 PM

    Well I was told to have one... a dehumidifier, to suck out all the moisture overnight. Actually, it came with my HA and it's suppose to extend their life, apparently. To me, it's just where I put them so I know where the are. Laverne and Shirley's shabby yet cosy basement flat...

    I'm trying to get onto MSN. Computer says no...

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  7. AnonymousMarch 17, 2009 at 3:15 AM

    has it ever occured to you that there are those who regard you highly because they know you face daily challenges and eventhough it gets on your tits you never launch bitch missles at others?????? in fact, perhaps your shitty hearing has solidified your empathy for underdogs of all sorts........ to me you are more than, not less.

    you stubborn? lolololol, i hadn't noticed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-)

    dj

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  8. SpeakUp LibrarianMarch 17, 2009 at 7:22 AM

    I hate it too! Thanks for being so honest with your emotions!

    Hugs, Sarah
    P.S. I haven't thought of naming my hearing aids...Hmmm. How does Bert & Ernie sound? (I grew up watching Sesame Street.)

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  9. meMarch 17, 2009 at 8:02 AM

    Mine iive in a very rustic pot that came all the way from Greece.

    My hearing aids don't last as long as my hearing does,but even so maybe I should have had one of those,I know it's harder to hear in the summer but I thought that was to do with the speed of sound in humid air compared to dry air, frequency, wavelength and all that crap. Where does the moisture get, is it inside the electronics bit??

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  10. ms toast burnerMarch 18, 2009 at 6:45 AM

    Thanks DJ, xx and lol at "bitch missles". Love it!

    Thanks Sarah... hugs back!

    Mog, I guess moisture gets in the bit that's behind your ear.

    I've had my hearing aids just stop working when I've gotten very sweaty. I've just learned about these:

    http://www.adcohearing.com/product1359.html

    Hearing Aid Sweat Band... how very Jane Fonda!

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  11. *March 18, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    Hello, new commenter here.

    All your feelings are valid about your hearing loss. It is almost like a grieving process, you sort of go through each stage and you will eventually come to acceptance. It just takes time.

    Hang in there!

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  12. ms toast burnerMarch 18, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    Thanks jelly. :-)

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