Non xmassy xmas?

I hate xmas and I have pretty much decided that I'm opting out of xmas this year. I just do not have the desire or the energy to feign happily going along with it anymore. I hate it, I have for a long, long time and it's time for me to live my life with integrity.

Question is... what shall I do over the holiday season? I'm very aware of the negative effects the most joyous time of the year (gag) has on certain people and this year, I'm one of those people.

So I'm wondering if maybe I should 'do something' but at the same time, my energy is low. Some days just getting up, dressed and fed is an accomplishment in itself nevermind pestering off somewhere.

Maybe I'll just crank up the heat, put on some good reggae and pretend I'm in Jamaica.

What would be your ideal non-xmassy xmas?

Cassiopeia? Ha!

Prkl, my bloggee friend in Finland, posted the below groovy pic on his blog. He mentioned a couple of constellations and asked if anyone recognised any others.



So I gazed and gazed and a constellation gradually appeared. I call it Citaloprameia. ;-)

Happy surprise!

Yesterday, I came home from my appointment with Shrinkychick and a round of food shopping, soaked, chilled to the bone and frazzled... oh, how I love this climate during the rainy season.

But all that faded away, when I checked my mail. A surprise! A wonderful book from someone in Scotland and the nicest thing that's happened to me in a very long while.

The blogosphere has been a surprising experience, fer shure.

(blows a kiss to Mr Scotland) ;-)

Scenic Sunday... sammich anyone?

This is the view from the summit of the Malahat... a section of the TransCanada Highway that winds northwards up the Island from Victoria (BC, Canada).

Nice place for a sammich, eh? What will you have? What's your favourite sammich?



Enjoy your sammich and please don't litter...

To see more Scenic Sundays, click the pic:

ugh... umm... aww...

I've been struggling for some peace of mind for a long while now and I think I'm battling depression. I recognise the increasing blackness and frequency of my dark moods but I also paradoxically have been feeling better in some respects.

It's an odd set of feelings to feel better and worse at once so it was a bit confusing to start taking an antidepressant, which I'm now taking and I find that very depressing, lol. Seriously though, swallowing that first pill was painful (a feeling defeat and defect) but ultimately I hope it takes the rough bottom edge off of my mood and anxiety without taking too much off the top.

Relating to the above, while 'having a moment' a few days ago, I messed with my blog... tried a new template and I think it removed stuff, I selected various options and fuck knows what else I did and in the mood I was in 'ah fuck it, who cares?' was my response to the mess and just left it.

I've received a few 'are you ok?' messages, which I will respond to eventually (I'm very spaced out) but I wanted say sorry to cause any worries or concern, thank you for caring; it means tons to me... you have no idea.

Man in the Moon

I made this slide show a year ago on the first anniversary of my Dad's death. I had also been kicked to the curb by someone just days before... it was a difficult time. Today, it's not as difficult nor as painful as last year. Last year almost killed me, so things are indeed looking up. ;-)

I still miss my Dad though...



The song is 'Man in the Moon' (Nick Cave/Grinderman) and I just today added the captions for my hard of hearing friends. The pictures are just pictures I had and ones I found on the internet. I turned them all sepia-ish and put them to the tune. I didn't think to reference where I got them all, I was all fucked up at the time. Apologies to the copyright gods. Go ahead and sue me... I'll just get my dad to haunt you, he'd like that. ;-)

Play D'oh.

I was practicing a variation of mindfulness meditation this morning called the white room. It's similar to many other mindfulness meditations but with a different (mental) prop.

Basically, you get comfy and chilled out then imagine your consciousness as a white room with two doors; an entrance and an exit. You then observe your thoughts entering the room and you just watch them, identify them, be aware of them and then watch them exit... thought after thought, without judging them or reacting to them, just 'awarenessing' them.

So I was doing this mediation this morning and thoughts came and went but one thought entered my white room and did not leave. It was the memory of an excellent animation by Jan Svankmajer. I tried to just 'be there' and be aware that I was feeling like I really wanted to see the film again... Stay Marnie... staaaaay, staaaay... fuck this! I just had to stop meditating and find the film on YouTube, haha. ;-) If you watch the film, you'll see why.

Anyways...

Do yourself a favour and watch this wonderful film:



Cool, eh?

Update

Decision made. I'm going to give medication a whirl.

It was actually a very easy decision to make which feels very odd because currently I feel indecisive about practically everything else in my life. Now I get to refigure out how to navigate though BC's health care system to find the support that I need.

Speaking of which, I'm also pleased to announce that my custom made bra is now finished and is currently leaving the factory to be delivered.


;-)

Thanks for all your support people. :-)

Decisions, decisions...

I've been getting some flack from a few people about my diminishing blog output. After some consideration, I've sat my ass down here to do a post. I'm trying to decided whether to write a blog post about 'embarrassing crushes from your youth' or a post about me considering going on psychiatric medication.

Oh, what the hell, I'll combine the two! ;-)

I received an email from a friend about embarrassing crushes from your youth - David Cassidy, Donny Osmond, blah, blah, blah, etc. I personally don't think they're embarrassing... popular crushes, yeah but not embarrassing. Everybody had a crush on David Cassidy. Even my brother liked David bloody Cassidy. It's not embarrassing.

Having a crush Fonzie, not Henry Winkler who played him, but the actual character The Fonz is embarrassing...

Who's your embarrassing crush from your youth? C'mon, fess up... (I can't wait for Naldo's confessional.)

As I was thinking about the above, I happened upon a website about the 70s. Neil, Naldo, Chris, Jayne, P and other Scotland people might find this amusing. The Bay City Rollers. I just, I mean like five minutes ago, found out that they were/are actually Scottish! lol! I always thought that they were from Michigan. LMFAO!

And here might be a good place to discuss psychiatric medication. ;-)

One of the reasons for my reduced blogging, both writing my own and commenting on other people's blogs (although I still read them), is that I'm not doing too well emotionally/psychologically. Yucky enough that I'm considering getting on something; an SSRI or something. Something I said 'never again' to about nine years ago when I stopped taking Paxil/Seroxat.

I've discussed it with Ms Shrinkychick (who is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, and so can not really advise) and we talked about anxious minds, evolution, the genetic lottery, the unknowns of the mind and medications, the ups and downs of therapy, choices and that ultimately the choice is mine.

I'm not bothered by any sense of shame or stigma in taking medication. I'm bothered by knowing how difficult it was for me to get off the medication many years ago. It was horrible... and that when I was on a highish dose of Paxil I lost my ability to have an orgasm! When you're feeling down and your pleasures are simple, that's a very cruel side effect. Interestingly, there's also a rare side effect of having an orgasm every time you yawn... I sacrificed dozens of small animal in hopes of getting that one. ;-) No luck though.

I'm not sure what to do. Much thinking to do. Any comments or experiences would be cool. Decisions, decisions...