Decisions, decisions...

I've been getting some flack from a few people about my diminishing blog output. After some consideration, I've sat my ass down here to do a post. I'm trying to decided whether to write a blog post about 'embarrassing crushes from your youth' or a post about me considering going on psychiatric medication.

Oh, what the hell, I'll combine the two! ;-)

I received an email from a friend about embarrassing crushes from your youth - David Cassidy, Donny Osmond, blah, blah, blah, etc. I personally don't think they're embarrassing... popular crushes, yeah but not embarrassing. Everybody had a crush on David Cassidy. Even my brother liked David bloody Cassidy. It's not embarrassing.

Having a crush Fonzie, not Henry Winkler who played him, but the actual character The Fonz is embarrassing...

Who's your embarrassing crush from your youth? C'mon, fess up... (I can't wait for Naldo's confessional.)

As I was thinking about the above, I happened upon a website about the 70s. Neil, Naldo, Chris, Jayne, P and other Scotland people might find this amusing. The Bay City Rollers. I just, I mean like five minutes ago, found out that they were/are actually Scottish! lol! I always thought that they were from Michigan. LMFAO!

And here might be a good place to discuss psychiatric medication. ;-)

One of the reasons for my reduced blogging, both writing my own and commenting on other people's blogs (although I still read them), is that I'm not doing too well emotionally/psychologically. Yucky enough that I'm considering getting on something; an SSRI or something. Something I said 'never again' to about nine years ago when I stopped taking Paxil/Seroxat.

I've discussed it with Ms Shrinkychick (who is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, and so can not really advise) and we talked about anxious minds, evolution, the genetic lottery, the unknowns of the mind and medications, the ups and downs of therapy, choices and that ultimately the choice is mine.

I'm not bothered by any sense of shame or stigma in taking medication. I'm bothered by knowing how difficult it was for me to get off the medication many years ago. It was horrible... and that when I was on a highish dose of Paxil I lost my ability to have an orgasm! When you're feeling down and your pleasures are simple, that's a very cruel side effect. Interestingly, there's also a rare side effect of having an orgasm every time you yawn... I sacrificed dozens of small animal in hopes of getting that one. ;-) No luck though.

I'm not sure what to do. Much thinking to do. Any comments or experiences would be cool. Decisions, decisions...

Courage

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately; what it is? where'd mine go? where can I get some? why aren't my testicles sprouting?

I thought I'd ask the blogosphere:

What helps you feel courageous? What gives you courage?

Head shrinkage

New therapist, new book. Both improved!

A few weeks ago I had a horrible session with the therapy dude. He made a serious judgment error and completely lost my trust. He threw back at me all of my life issues (father's death, lack of real life support, personal rejections, etc) and said, "these are all the little stories you are using for not dealing with my OCD."

I felt 2" tall leaving his office, completely belittled, humiliated and beyond help. I reached out for help and got my hands slapped. As soon as I drove away, I was a mess of tears and dark thoughts. How I got home is a mystery to me. I hope he's reading this.

Later I thought, "Little stories? Excuses? WTF? These are my life circumstances. I'm not in denial about my OCD and that I need help. That's why I'm here in your fucking office feeling incredibly scared and fragile and requesting help, ffs! And you rip me to fucking shreds. You fucking asshole." Now I really hope he's reading this.

After some supportive words from friends (blows kisses), I get my nerve back and I go see a new psychologist.

Enter, Ms Shrinkychick! Kind, understanding, knowledgeable, etc... instant trust. Whew! I've seen her now a few times and though I'm terrified about what I'm going to be facing at least I feel that she's on my side.

Wow. Writing this has been good I think. I didn't realise the full extent that that bad experience had had on me.

(wipes tears)

Ok, back to writing.

Ms Shrinkychick recommended a book which I went out and bought right away cos I'm sooo obedient (snort):
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Anxiety-Commitment/dp/1572244992/

I read Chapter 1 in the parking lot and cried like a baby (again). The authors wrote (along the lines of) 'this may stir a lot of anxious feelings but that's ok, let them be there. Just keep holding on the book and moving your eyes and read a bit more." I found that incredibly comforting. The authors really do understand the terror and that encourages my trust.

It's another ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) book, similar to one I read previously though geared strictly towards anxiety disorders. That is much more reassuring to me as OCD is way beyond 'normal' life worries - the Happiness Trap was a good intro but I often felt it was not geared towards my experience.

It scares the crap out of me though, learning this new way of being with my anxiety - instead of not responding to its warnings as I do. Intellectually, it makes sense to me. Emotionally, I feel as though I'm risking my life. Seriously. I feel that I may actually die if I do not listen to what my OCD tells me to do.

It's like how I imagine doing a skydive. Intellectually, I know there's a small chance of dying but really it's safer than most activities. But! Emotionally, I imagine standing at the door high above the ground, looking out, with all the 'warning' emotions and survival instincts screaming, 'Don't jump! don't jump! Are you fucking crazy!!??'

This pic (swiped from here) sort of captures how I feel:



I'm in a plane about to either jump or get pushed! Holy fuckeroni!

La folie de doute.

That's what the French called it; the madness of doubt, the doubting disease. Though classified as an anxiety disorder, OCD is at it's core about doubt and uncertainty, at least in my experience and from what I've read. It's about wanting 100% guarantees; difficulties in accepting risk and having your mind constantly whisper insidiously 'what if?'.

It's like that feeling you might get a few miles after leaving your home when you think 'did I turn off the iron?' and you can't remember for sure and you can't shake the thought and you get freaked out by the possibilities it contains. OCD's like that but on steroids. At least when the OCD is flaring up, as it is for me currently.

I'm going to empty my head a bit...

I'm feeling very fucked up by it all; very anxious, very on edge, very frightened.

I'm hoping that just typing the following helps in some small way. You'll think this is fucking nuts... and that's ok cos I do too.

My irrational fears, my irrational thoughts, my 'what if?'s, my OCD revolves around the idea of contracting rabies. I fear that I will some how catch it... what if?, what if?, what if?...

I can accept doubt and risk and uncertainty in most areas of life, like anyone else can and does. In fact, I am often drawn to ideas, artworks, films that contain uncertainty and doubt and I have had moments in my life of being a risk taker. But, for whatever reason, I am hooked by this rabies fear. I am finding it very difficult to live with the uncertainty, the inability to get that 100% guarantee that I'm safe. And it's affecting my life in a very not so nice way.

Sometimes (a lot of times lately) I fucking hate my mind.


Aside: I have no idea about the photo. I plonked in 'la folie de doute' in Google and there he was... who can I resist a naked man, with a handlebar moustache, riding backwards on a dead cheetah while holding a sword?

I'm 96 years old

And I've been asked to look back and to answer three questions:

What do you wish you spent less time doing?

I wish I had spent less time:
- trying to make my family be the family that I needed
- taking my anxiety producing 'what ifs?' so seriously (OCD)
- avoiding things because of fear, anxiety and uncertainty (OCD)
- waiting for my hearing to get magically better
- maintaining relationships that were frustrating and draining
- hiding under my duvet
- thinking that I was ugly
- thinking that I was inherently unlovable
- and feeling like a mistake who should not have been born


What do you wish you spent more time doing?

I wish that I had spent more time:
- sticking with important stuff even when times got difficult
- traveling and exploring
- learning the skills to express my creativity
- seeking and being with people who understood and appreciated me
- accepting that pain, sadness and anxiety are unavoidable in life
- learning about art, art history and film making
- being more clear about who I am with myself and others
- doing something that mattered to me that was meaningful
- and making a positive difference to something or someone.


What do you wish you had started doing when you were 41 years old?

I wish that I had started:
- to figure out how to live fully despite OCD fears and anxiety
- using my strengths to help me with my weaknesses
- a fire under my ass! ;-)

Edited - I should have made it clearer that most the anxiety that I'm discussing above is OCD related.

Heatwave

Some of the hottest local temperatures ever recorded lately. Today, it's suppose to only go up to 28 but the last few it was 34-36. I dislike the heat, anything above 24 and I melt. So, not much energy at all to blog.

I'm feeling conflicted by that CBT* appointment...

On the one hand, I went there fully expecting one thing: CBT, and left with something else: the suggestion of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and a book about it; The Happiness Trap. I'm reading the book and although I can very much understand the ideas and see their worth, I feel quite cynical about it. The book comes-off as a bit gimmicky; light and fluffy... and then I start feeling like I'm doomed to be a prisoner of my anxiety.

On the other hand therapy dude was very good, easy to talk to, nice vibe and reassuring. I could tell that he understood OCD and anxiety. I know a few people with OCD and from their, and my own, experiences it's surprising the numbers of psychologists who don't understand OCD. So, that is good, he gets it. Plus he's known locally as an anxiety specialist and he was recommended to me by previous CBT therapist chickie who no longer see clients (damn her, she was excellent).

Has anyone ever read 'The Happiness Trap'?

*By the way, CBT in this instance is cognitive-behavioural therapy, not cock and ball torture. Just reminiscing about my first few internet searches for CBT many years ago and if you click on that link, you've only yourself to blame. ;-)

Biting bullets.

The CBT dude (cognitive-behavourial therapy) called a while ago. He has a cancellation and would I like to start CBT this afternoon? I had told him I'm flexible with my time and was eager to start and if he had an earlier than August 4th opening, give me a call.

He called my bluff! ;-)

Gulp! =:-o

I'm both excited and freaked out and it's 30 degrees out there. I'm sweating bullets faster than a machine gun right now. Ahhh!

I suspect my blog might focused on CBT for a while...

Beyond Muffin Top and Brownies

Another post about baking ;-) and this is going to be a very honest one. I risk being misunderstood and seen as a freak. Actually being seen as freaky doesn't bother me ;-) but being misunderstood does.

But, you know what? Fuck it!

Confessing my muffin top, my hearing loss and my experimentation with the Brownies ;-) on this blog have been positive experiences for me and with that I say....

Hello, my name is Marnie and I have OCD; obsessive-compulsive disorder.

There, I've said it.

Actually that wasn't too difficult as a few of my friends already know this about me, though some do not. I've also met many people with OCD, attended an OCD conference and have volunteered for OCD organizations. I don't have shame in having this thorn in my side.

I have often chosen not to tell people though. This is because after I told a certain friend, she interpreted any quirk I had as a result of OCD instead of just a normal quirk like anyone else would have. I found this highly irritating so I started to not tell people.

But, I've realised that I do feel better about myself when I'm open about it. It makes it lighter to carry. Part of my inspiration to do this post comes from prkl!!!!, who, on previous manifestations of his blog, has been very open about his struggles with bipolary stuff. As well as the more private struggles about the 'weird shit' other friends struggle with.


OCD info, briefly:
OCD is quite common. You probably all know someone who has it (though they may hide it). You may even have it yourself. ;-)

I hesitate putting info about OCD on here because most info about OCD describes all the various manifestations of it. Most people with OCD are bothered by much narrower slices of the OCD pie and, with proper treatment, there is great relief for many people. OCD can fluctuate; when life is good, OCD tends to calm down, when life is shitty, OCD can become a dragon. There's not really 'a cure' but treatment allows a person to manage OCD so that it doesn't manage them.

Treatment of choice is CBT; cognitive-behavioural therapy and, in terms of OCD, it means facing what is feared and learning new ways to manage the anxiety that occurs. It also involves looking objectively at your own thought processes and tweaking ideas and beliefs and learning how to manage stress. It's very similar to the treatment of phobias.

Some? many? people take medications (SSRIs and what not) either on their own or in addition to CBT.

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, a sort of mindfulness meditation, which I've blogged about before, is also helpful.


My experience, briefly:
Essentially, I have anxious thoughts about contracting specific germs/illnesses and sometimes I have to check the stove a lot to make sure it's off before I leave my flat (although sometimes I don't at all? weirdly). I can feel the urge to wash my hands a lot. When life is good and my OCD is under control this urge is minimal, if it is even there; when my life is stressy and OCD is not under control, I can wash my hands excessively and feel a lot of anxiety.

I first developed OCD when I was 25ish. I hid it and had no idea what the fuck was happening to me. I thought I was going insane. Then at 27, I had a major time with it. By this time I had learned about OCD but still I did not seek help. At my worst, I did not leave my house for many, many months, depression had set in and I very nearly committed suicide.

Ironically, my fear of germs made me too afraid to take a handful of sleeping pills. I thought: 'what if when I pass-out and die, I fall on the floor and catch germ X off the floor?' The complete bizarre-ness of that thought made me laugh and stirred something good in me. From that point I realised, 'hmmm, maybe I do need some help' (well, duh) and got it.

My doctor prescribed an SSRI and I saw a psychologist who ran me through CBT. CBT was very, very difficult. Imagine making a sandwich on the kitchen floor or a toilet seat and then eating it. Imagine being a germaphobe and doing that. (Oh, the CBT stories I have!) But, it worked and things turned around enormously, even my culinary skills. ;-) I went from being house-bound to venturing off to live in England for a time and stopped taking the SSRI in 2001. To say I was and am proud of myself is an understatement.


Currently:
Things are not so rosy. I've had a lot of major life stressors packed into a very short span of time; major geographical moves, away from friends, death of my Dad, dumped (twice), family stress, a stupid huge mistake, financial woes, etc. I'm not surprised that my OCD has risen its fucking ugly shitty head. I haven't felt this OCDish in a long, long while. I think I'm having a re-lapse and I hate it.

On the plus side, I understand why this is happening and I am addressing all the crap I've gone through. And I've made an appointment with psychologist who treats OCD (hurry up August 4th). And I do have a solid understanding of OCD and CBT already; I just need it refreshed, a booster shot, a professional kick in the arse. In the meantime, I'm sending this off into blogosphere to lighten the load just a little bit.

I think that's all my warts, confessed... except for the bank robbery. I'll blog about that when I get out of the slammer. ;-)