Courage

I've been thinking a lot about courage lately; what it is? where'd mine go? where can I get some? why aren't my testicles sprouting?

I thought I'd ask the blogosphere:

What helps you feel courageous? What gives you courage?

Head shrinkage

New therapist, new book. Both improved!

A few weeks ago I had a horrible session with the therapy dude. He made a serious judgment error and completely lost my trust. He threw back at me all of my life issues (father's death, lack of real life support, personal rejections, etc) and said, "these are all the little stories you are using for not dealing with my OCD."

I felt 2" tall leaving his office, completely belittled, humiliated and beyond help. I reached out for help and got my hands slapped. As soon as I drove away, I was a mess of tears and dark thoughts. How I got home is a mystery to me. I hope he's reading this.

Later I thought, "Little stories? Excuses? WTF? These are my life circumstances. I'm not in denial about my OCD and that I need help. That's why I'm here in your fucking office feeling incredibly scared and fragile and requesting help, ffs! And you rip me to fucking shreds. You fucking asshole." Now I really hope he's reading this.

After some supportive words from friends (blows kisses), I get my nerve back and I go see a new psychologist.

Enter, Ms Shrinkychick! Kind, understanding, knowledgeable, etc... instant trust. Whew! I've seen her now a few times and though I'm terrified about what I'm going to be facing at least I feel that she's on my side.

Wow. Writing this has been good I think. I didn't realise the full extent that that bad experience had had on me.

(wipes tears)

Ok, back to writing.

Ms Shrinkychick recommended a book which I went out and bought right away cos I'm sooo obedient (snort):
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Anxiety-Commitment/dp/1572244992/

I read Chapter 1 in the parking lot and cried like a baby (again). The authors wrote (along the lines of) 'this may stir a lot of anxious feelings but that's ok, let them be there. Just keep holding on the book and moving your eyes and read a bit more." I found that incredibly comforting. The authors really do understand the terror and that encourages my trust.

It's another ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) book, similar to one I read previously though geared strictly towards anxiety disorders. That is much more reassuring to me as OCD is way beyond 'normal' life worries - the Happiness Trap was a good intro but I often felt it was not geared towards my experience.

It scares the crap out of me though, learning this new way of being with my anxiety - instead of not responding to its warnings as I do. Intellectually, it makes sense to me. Emotionally, I feel as though I'm risking my life. Seriously. I feel that I may actually die if I do not listen to what my OCD tells me to do.

It's like how I imagine doing a skydive. Intellectually, I know there's a small chance of dying but really it's safer than most activities. But! Emotionally, I imagine standing at the door high above the ground, looking out, with all the 'warning' emotions and survival instincts screaming, 'Don't jump! don't jump! Are you fucking crazy!!??'

This pic (swiped from here) sort of captures how I feel:



I'm in a plane about to either jump or get pushed! Holy fuckeroni!

More psycho therapy

"Somewhere up and out there, the dust of Marnie drifts through space after the spacecraft she was touring on exploded upon re-entry into the earth's atmosphere... she would have thought would be a most excellent way for her to pop her clogs.

She was fortunate to be vapourized to smithereens with her lover by side, just like in that Smiths' song, she liked, 'such a heavenly way to die'.

She is survived by her houseplants Casey and Finnegan, an adopted Vancouver Island Marmot named Dylan and, of course, her friends.

She still had not returned Dr Zhivago to the library...."

This 'write your own eulogy' exercise sucks rat shit. I would not want a funeral. I would not a eulogy. I've only been to one funeral and I fucking hated it. I wouldn't inflict that sort of shit on people I loved.

Actually I guess this exercise doesn't suck. It clarified one of my life values: I don't want a funeral, I don't want a eulogy.

Next stupid exercise!

I'm 96 years old

And I've been asked to look back and to answer three questions:

What do you wish you spent less time doing?

I wish I had spent less time:
- trying to make my family be the family that I needed
- taking my anxiety producing 'what ifs?' so seriously (OCD)
- avoiding things because of fear, anxiety and uncertainty (OCD)
- waiting for my hearing to get magically better
- maintaining relationships that were frustrating and draining
- hiding under my duvet
- thinking that I was ugly
- thinking that I was inherently unlovable
- and feeling like a mistake who should not have been born


What do you wish you spent more time doing?

I wish that I had spent more time:
- sticking with important stuff even when times got difficult
- traveling and exploring
- learning the skills to express my creativity
- seeking and being with people who understood and appreciated me
- accepting that pain, sadness and anxiety are unavoidable in life
- learning about art, art history and film making
- being more clear about who I am with myself and others
- doing something that mattered to me that was meaningful
- and making a positive difference to something or someone.


What do you wish you had started doing when you were 41 years old?

I wish that I had started:
- to figure out how to live fully despite OCD fears and anxiety
- using my strengths to help me with my weaknesses
- a fire under my ass! ;-)

Edited - I should have made it clearer that most the anxiety that I'm discussing above is OCD related.